


My love, it dies again.

by NintendoSatoRi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Akaashi Keiji & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Akaashi Keiji is a Little Shit, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou-centric, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Kozume Kenma is a Little Shit, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Significant Other, Kuroo Tetsurou-centric, M/M, Minor Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Minor Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Non-Graphic Violence, Out of Character, Physical Abuse, READ NOTES, Sad, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:21:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27757570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NintendoSatoRi/pseuds/NintendoSatoRi
Summary: Kuroo's heart was as big as it could get, and he loved his significant other's more than he could ever love himself, treated them better than anything.He loved them with every inch of his body.So why was it never reciprocated properly?He just wanted someone to love him as he loved them.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Kozume Kenma, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 10
Kudos: 71





	My love, it dies again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, welcome to yet another fic.  
> I wanna say that Bokuto is incredibly out of character in my opinion, and to be honest, so is everyone else so please don't get mad at me for the way I wrote the characters, it was very much intended that they aren't in character.
> 
> Other than that, if you haven't read the tags, here are the trigger warnings:  
> \- Violence  
> \- Unhealthy relationships  
> \- Manipulation  
> \- Self-doubt (in some aspects)  
> \- Neglect  
> \- Cheating  
> \- Mention of bruises
> 
> If I missed anything, I apologize, and please comment so I can add it.

Kuroo loved.

He loved strongly.

His heart could be filled with so much passion, so much adoration and care for his partner, that he didn't realize how they ruined him from the inside out, tore his heart out of his chest, and crushed it right before his very eyes.

And he wouldn't notice until he was drained from every ounce of happiness he had held in his body, wouldn't notice until he felt the exhaustion hit his bones and his mind playing tricks on him.

So he didn't notice how Kenma slowly sucked the enthusiasm out of him, slowly but surely made him feel as though he were worth nothing at all because he never came first. Never in his relationship with Kenma was he the first choice, always put behind video games, Hinata, sometimes even people he wasn't as close with because, for some reason, Kuroo would've never left him anyway, right?  
And yeah, Kenma had been right. Kuroo never left, pretended to never mind as he watched Kenma go and leave him alone, always put him in the last place, right after everything else.

He didn't realize how much this was affecting him until he found someone whose emotions overflowed at any time, whose feelings overtook their logical thinking.  
Maybe that person could love him the way he wanted to be loved, the way their love could be reciprocated and appreciated.

And when Kuroo asked Kenma for them to break up, all he did was shrug and nod.  
Somehow it still hurt, even though the older was used to the constant neglect and downturn of affection.

But it didn't stop him as sooner or later, he had confessed to the person whose happiness was as intense as the sun, whose anger was as biting as a blizzard.

Being with Bokuto was incredibly different from being with Kenma, Kuroo found out. It was the sudden rush of excitement, leaving Kuroo in a loved daze and then the tantrums the other would sometimes throw, making Kuroo think he may have done something wrong.  
And even though that happened sometimes, it was the love that was being reciprocated that made Kuroo so happy, so blind.

It was Bokuto visiting him at any time of day to shower him in affection, it was Bokuto wrapping those strong arms around him when he was excited and it was him, kissing his cheek because he couldn't quite reach Kuroo's forehead that made Kuroo so glad to be out of the relationship he was in with Kenma. With Bokuto, his love was flourishing, their love was so large and warm that Kuroo would never want to leave it.

It was Bokuto's heightened positive emotions that made Kuroo blind to his equally negative emotions.

Such as when Bokuto would yell at him for little things that he was sure wasn't even that big of a deal, it was Bokuto carelessly throwing their precious time together away to play more volleyball because that was what his heart desired more at the time.  
Kuroo didn't mind Bokuto's anger and his sadness, as long as he could still love Kuroo the same.

He didn't mind when Bokuto threw things at him in the heat of the moment, didn't mind when Bokuto wouldn't speak to him for days because he was holding a grudge, didn't mind when Bokuto yelled words at him that sounded hurtful, didn't mind when he made Kuroo feel small as he pushed him against a wall, didn't mind when he had to take care of Bokuto for weeks at a time because he was sad over the smallest of things, just to be dismissed afterward because Bokuto _loved_ him.  
Bokuto would hold him late at night and whisper how much he adored the other as they slowly fell asleep in each other's arms, would run up to him at the most random time of day and attack him into a big hug, would wait for him on the couch for cuddles and a movie night because he had missed Kuroo so much.

The negative things were pushed so far into the back of Kuroo's head, so much so that he didn't care when the first hit to his face came. He didn't care when Bokuto hit him during another one of his tantrums, because why should he when Bokuto was immediately cradling his face, whispering apologies into his ear, and kissing his cheek in hopes to make it feel better?  
Kuroo was being loved on, and that's all that mattered to him. Kuroo was feeling loved, and if the only way to feel that was to be hit then he wouldn't care anymore.

It felt so much better than when he was with Kenma.  
When everything felt gray and gloomy, when all his efforts to make their date nights were cast aside because Kenma was hanging out with Hinata, when he was pushed away in favor of playing games.  
Kenma always left him empty, they were never equal because all the love he had poured into their relationship was never reciprocated and it sucked the life out of him. Kenma was like a leech, slowly weakening Kuroo until he couldn't function properly anymore, until he was touch-starved and nearly begging for an ounce of love, a little glint in the other's eye that would assure Kuroo that Kenma did still love him. Anything that promised him that the love that Kenma once held for him was indeed still there, that Kenma still cared about him, still loved him.

The pain that accompanied Bokuto's love would shock Kuroo awake, would almost make him snap out of it but then he would remind himself of how it used to be with Kenma.  
How much it had hurt to watch as Kenma took care of other things more than his boyfriend, how much it hurt to be pushed away and left to be forgotten.  
So if Kuroo had to choose between a love that was never reciprocated and a love that was overflowing but had negative extras?

He would easily take the hits.

\--

Kuroo felt tired.

His bones were aching and his head was pounding. His heart felt like it was too full but also empty.

Something didn't feel right whenever he was with Bokuto, he noticed.

Maybe it was that the sudden bursts of love were getting less.  
Maybe it was because Bokuto didn't have moments with him anymore where they sat together on the couch, watched a movie, and threw popcorn at each other.  
Maybe it was that instead of Bokuto cuddling up close at night, that he'd instead be playing volleyball with Akaashi.

Don't get Kuroo wrong, he'd never assume that Bokuto was one to cheat but ever since he's been doing it at night, everything felt off.

Even the way Bokuto hit him didn't feel right anymore. Was it because the loving hands that used to cradle his face and kiss him afterward weren't there anymore?

Kuroo pushed his face further into his pillow, nearly suffocating as he let his thoughts wander, the other side of the bed cold and uninviting. Bokuto still wasn't home from whatever volleyball practice he was doing with Akaashi.  
The alarm clock on their bedside table flashed red.  
12:43 am.

Kuroo doubted that Akaashi would allow them to play this late into the night, so why wasn't Bokuto home already?

Just as he was about to grab his phone to send the other a message, he heard the lock of their front door click shut, shoes being thrown into the corner of their genkan before the footsteps made their way to their shared bedroom.

"Tetsurou, are you still awake?" He heard Bokuto whisper, and he almost didn't answer if it weren't for his sudden need to be loved upon.

"... Yeah. I'm awake."

Bokuto walked around their bed, leaning down and giving the other a gentle kiss.  
"Sorry to keep you waiting. Let me just shower real quick and then we can slee-" Bokuto's eyes widened as Kuroo suddenly wrapped his arms around the other.

Kuroo buried his face into the other's neck, took a deep breath, and then felt tears spring in his eyes as he smelled the familiar scent of Akaashi's deodorant, the sweat that had accumulated at his neck didn't smell normal, either. Bokuto didn't smell like how he usually does after playing volleyball.  
Kuroo knew.

And he felt his heart shattering into pieces that even he couldn't fix.

"Tetsu-"

"Sorry, I just missed you. Shower and then cuddles?" Kuroo smiled, the pain in his eyes hidden by the darkness of the room. He saw Bokuto smile, then nod as he walked away.

And as they lay in bed together, Bokuto sound asleep with his arm wrapped around Kuroo's waist, he smiled.

Even if he was fully aware of how Bokuto was cheating on him with Akaashi, he still couldn't bring himself to break up with the other, because he still felt loved.

Kuroo doubted Bokuto loved him still. But it was the comforting, loving touches he received from the other that made him stay.

He was devoid of love when he was with Kenma. He didn't want to lose the comfort of those touches.

And so Kuroo decided to live in a world filled with lies, secrecy, and abuse; just for a touch of love.

\--

He had never thought he'd be the type to break.

But Kuroo manages to surprise himself every day, cracking under the pressure of forced love, violence, the hits that he always had to endure.

He couldn't believe himself as he yelled at the other to stop when he usually took every word Bokuto called him that sounded so dehumanizing. When he usually allowed the other to hit him until he felt better, leaving Kuroo a bruised mess on the ground.  
It hurt.

And yet Kuroo never seemed to have done anything about it, smiled because Bokuto still kissed him gently late at night, still kept his body warm in the cool morning air, still danced with him in the kitchen while making dinner, even if those moments were slowly dwindling.

Kuroo was brought out of his thoughts by a harsh slap, staring at Bokuto with wide eyes.  
Ah, well that was to be expected. He did just yell at Bokuto.

And even though Kuroo had felt that hand pressed against his skin so often, in so many different circumstances, his eyes welled up with tears.  
He was already accustomed to thinking that Bokuto deserved every right to hit him.

Kuroo didn't want that, he knew how unhealthy this relationship was.  
But how could he force himself to continue yelling at Bokuto to stop when the other's eyes were spilling fresh tears, when the hand that had just hit him was now cradling his face and apologizing?  
Why was he doing this to him? Kuroo would've had such an easy time to end this relationship if only Bokuto hadn't done that. If only Bokuto wasn't apologizing and crying in front of him. If only Bokuto had walked away instead.

Kuroo couldn't help but lean into the touch.

It felt better than when Kenma pushed him away, scowled at him so he wouldn't come near him again. Kenma always prioritized his games, so if Kuroo had ever dared to potentially mess it up for the other, the few gentle kisses he would receive once in a blue moon would disappear as well.

Kuroo felt lips against his forehead, smiled slightly.

Maybe one more chance.

\--

Kuroo felt scared.

He wasn't sure when his confidence had dropped again. When instead of wanting to be touched and loved on, he dreaded the touch of another person and flinched when a sound was too loud.

Bokuto didn't love him anymore, Kuroo knew. He didn't even bother to hide the fact that he was cheating, coming home later and later and sometimes not at all, just to appear at home in the early morning with disheveled hair and an array of hickeys painting the skin of his neck blue and purple. The scent that hung on him reeked of Akaashi and Kenma's large apartment.  
Kenma probably didn't even care that Bokuto went there every night to fuck Akaashi and then beat Kuroo down later.

All he cared about was that they were quiet enough so he could focus on his games.

Kuroo was fully aware of that and yet he wasn't sure what to do.

His hands shook as he watched Bokuto leave to go somewhere, he said shopping with Hinata.

So Kuroo grabbed his phone, called the only other person that would truly know where Bokuto could also be if he wasn't with him already.

Ring.  
Ring.  
Ring.  
Ri-

"Hello?"

Kuroo took a deep breath. "... Akaashi."

A silence filled the room, made Kuroo anxiously look around and bite at his nails, afraid that Bokuto would appear out of nowhere, would hit his face as though he were some punching bag to relieve stress.

"Who are you?"

Kuroo couldn't help but laugh quietly.  
"It's me, Kuroo Tetsurou. You know, the one who's dating Bokuto Koutarou. And he's cheating on me with you."

"Oh... Kuroo-san." Akaashi's voice deadpanned, as though he didn't care about what Kuroo had just said.

"Did you hear what I said?" Kuroo asked, feeling anger just slightly bubbling in his chest. How could Akaashi be so uninterested?

"Of course I did, Kuroo-san. And frankly, I do not care. Call me selfish and apathetic, but you should really just give it up, Kuroo-san. It is for your best, Koutarou loves me more than he loves you, and it seems as though you know that already. So why are you even still trying?" Akaashi's voice tore through Kuroo, broke what he had built up for himself as he found himself nodding along to what the younger was saying.

He was right.

Why was Kuroo still trying if he knew that Bokuto didn't love him anymore?

He hung up on Akaashi, unable to hear the truth anymore.

On the other side of the line, Akaashi stared at his phone triumphantly, grinning ever so slightly as he turned his head to the sound of his front door opening.

Arms enveloped him and lips were immediately on his as he kissed Bokuto passionately.

And Kuroo felt tears spilling as Akaashi sent him a photo of how he and Bokuto were hanging out.  
He was doing this in spite, just to rub salt in the wounds, drown him in lemon juice and cut his skin open.

Kuroo finally knew what he should do.

\--

Breaking up with Bokuto was harder than he had thought it would be.

Even after the years of him hitting Kuroo, of him yelling out words that Kuroo had begun to believe.  
It was rough for him to say the words.

It was hard to watch as Bokuto stared at him, those eyes that used to stare at him with such love now glowing for Akaashi, Akaashi, Akaashi.  
Kuroo almost didn't go through with it because he couldn't drop the memories, he couldn't forget the way Bokuto used to kiss him every morning with a sleepy smile, couldn't forget how Bokuto used to surprise Kuroo by building a fort in their living room just so they could play fight and hit each other with their pillows.  
He couldn't forget their intimate moments, where Bokuto had kissed him breathless, made his face flush up so much that it felt like he would pass out, where they would cuddle and stay in bed all day after their moments together because their muscles ached to be close to one another.  
He couldn't forget the time before they even got together when they would laugh loudly at the stupidest of jokes, when Bokuto jumped on his back at the most unconventional of times, or when they visited each other to play video games and talk about the weirdest things.

It hurt Kuroo to say goodbye to things like that.  
But he had been able to do the exact same with Kenma, someone he had loved more than himself so this should've been easy.

It should've been but it wasn't.

Maybe it was because their scenarios were so different. Bokuto had loved him, had given him so much affection before and during the first part of their relationship while Kenma didn't ever give a fuck about him, ignoring him for days at a time because he was playing games or anything else.

But regardless of how their relationship was, it would always be hard to watch someone he trusted so much leave his apartment with a suitcase and a backpack, not even looking back as the door shut behind him.

Kuroo was left with an empty feeling in his chest, tears streaking his cheeks and his hands shaking.

He wasn't sure how long he stood in the hallway, looking at the front door but when he finally snapped out of it, he watched the golden rays of the evening sun shine through the living room windows.  
Kuroo immediately froze at the sight, felt more tears erupting from his eyes because goddammit, the color reminded him too much of Bokuto's warm gold eyes, especially when they lay in bed together and the light of the lamp on their bedside table hit Bokuto's eyes just right.

He turned on his heel, paused when he saw a framed photo of them together before his emotions got the best of him.

Now he stared at the broken glass, the frame slammed so he wouldn't be able to see it while he aggressively rubbed the tears from his eyes with a small wince.

The bruises still felt fresh, and he could suddenly feel each and every time Bokuto's hand or fist had collided against his body, amplified by ten, and Kuroo sunk to the floor in pain.

But he still managed to smile.  
The time after will be rough but he'll finally start to heal, heal enough to love again.

\--

That was about a year ago, and Kuroo was finally starting to feel better. He started going out more, his confidence had begun to boost back up.  
He was glad he got back on his feet.

And about three months after the breakup, he stumbled into someone he knew from way back then.  
A certain middle blocker that went by the name Tsukishima Kei.

They had hit it off immediately and had begun to meet up more and more and before Kuroo knew it, his still fragile heart had fallen for someone else once more. His heart had begun fluttering at the thought of the blond, especially when they met up for coffee or saw each other randomly when walking about the city of Tokyo.

And five months later, Kuroo's heart couldn't take it anymore as he asked the other out.

And so far, their first month in, it had been going splendidly, perfectly and Kuroo's heart was screaming in joy.

Kuroo snapped out of his thoughts, staring out at the deep blue sky before turning his head to glance at Tsukishima.

It was another chance at love, one that could heal his wounded heart and would let him love just as hard as he used to.

Tsukishima was a new leaf, something Kuroo would indulge himself in.  
Tsukishima would be different from all the other times.

Right?


End file.
